Why Am I Here?

So why, after four years, am I back? Because Busymommy died. She's Home, and I'm here, trying to process this whole thing. And I don't know who, other than our blog circle, would get it, and I don't want people  to think I'm weird or dwelling on it, when really I just need to talk it out a bit. And I know that after four years my readers aren't here anymore (although thank you to those who have gone back to her blog and sent me posts). I'm mostly just journaling my thoughts.

There weren't letters. Joanna had indicated that there were letters, but there weren't. Chris said he didn't find any. Right away after her diagnosis she said she wrote some, but all he found was an email - which I knew about. Truth is, while Joanna and Chris did a beautiful job of living the last eighteen months of her life, there were certain things they weren't wanting to face right away. For example, people kept telling her to journal for the kids, but people don't realize how hard it is to write letters to children you will never see grow up. And so with some of those kinds of things, she waited. And then the end went quickly (thank You, Jesus).

About two weeks before she died, Joanna and I sent each other a series of texts in which we said everything. And she said everything that needed to be said to my daughters, too. I don't feel like there was anything that was unsaid or that either of us would regret. But I thought there were letters. I was kind of expecting one final goodbye. When I told Chris she said there were letters for the girls and me with the wall hanging (Emily and Jamison got the 'In my weakness He is strong' plaques Jo and I  had made for each other), he asked when she had said that. "Maybe a month ago," I answered. He shook his head. She was so confused that last month. So I guess that's it. It is what it is.